Are you kind when you talk to yourself ?

It's Deborah Pardes here on the 1 February, kicking off what will be a month long series inspired by the work of Renee Brown. And what better way to talk about Bernard Brown than talking about talking talking to ourselves? There's a quote you're probably reading as you're listening to this talk to yourself like you would to someone you love. And this quote was posted by David Mahoney, who is going to be our first guest. David, welcome to Swell

#brenebrown Let’s kick this off with David Mahoney

Shawn Schepps
@Shawn_Christy · 1:17

I do not talk well to myself.

Do not speak kindly to yourself. I'm really hard on myself. And I will call myself names and say I'm a f****** a****** and whatever. When I get frustrated and it comes from learned behavior from when I was very young. It comes from my mom and other people who were around me in the early part of my life where I was always doing something wrong
Paul OMahony
@omaniblog · 1:06

Hi Shaun

Sean, I wonder if you could reframe or re speak the beginning of what you just said here. So that you began with the statement, I myself used to not speak kindly to yourself, that you would describe your life as if it was something that was in the past. And this wouldn't in any way obliterate your feelings. But if you say to yourself and to others, up until now, I have been unkind to myself and it hasn't done me any good up until now
Jas (They/them) Martin
@studentlife · 1:05
Thank you so much for this swell podcast. It took me till I was 32 and a half to even realize that I was so mean to myself and I would never talk to my friends or my family the way I talk to myself else. And I had to unlearn. I basically had to change this kind of abusive relationship I had with myself where I was just so mean to myself and it's a struggle
David Mahoney
@davidmahoney · 4:59
And it's so great to be able to learn all these different emotions and how they impact us and how to actually define them. And it's been great, both from a personal perspective, but also from a therapeutic standpoint. I'm a trainee counselor, so it's always interesting for me to learn more about emotions
Deborah Pardes
@DBPardes · 2:06


I know it took a few minutes to get on board, and I love that there's National Compliment Day over there. We don't have that here. I just think it's a great idea. I do want to follow up with the question and thank you for being able to take more time here about the idea of becoming sober and that process and how this particular quote relates to how people go through that process
David Mahoney
@davidmahoney · 4:48
But in the second year, I think I can't remember how you put it about kind of falling out on myself a little bit. And it was that second year because it Jas the fact that I really then had to start kind of confronting my mental health and challenging. I think it was a challenge to myself of what to do when things get difficult that aren't drinking. And that was the first kind of time I had to really encounter that
Deborah Pardes
@DBPardes · 0:47
I'm so happy that you're here talking with us and any other ideas you have, please share them here on Swell. Looking forward to more of your thoughts. Anyone else who has ideas about this quote and how it might impact their life or it already has. Solar forward to continue this conversation. Thanks
Indy Rishi Singh
@MysticScientist · 1:20

Talking to highest Self

Like, as Sean explained, maybe it's something that is being passed down from our parents and our grandparents. And maybe it's a cultural nuance passed down through generations with certain cultures in certain communities. Right. Of not feeling good enough. So speaking your higher self, your Saint version of yourself. It's kind of interesting game to play
Carissa Pike
@carissa · 0:57
It's just like, okay, so then why do you say it to yourself? You don't deserve that negativity. And I'm like, you're so right. It's such a good point. You really need to treat yourself like a friend and someone you love, because would you want them to be taught talking themselves that way? Of course not, because you love them and you think they're amazing and people probably think the same about you
Beth Bourland
@LittleGirl1978 · 1:09
Not really half the time I'm not kind to myself. Yeah. I put myself down a lot, which is not good, but I guess that's part of my depression and being bipolar. Yeah. I write stuff in my notebook, say I hate myself. No, sometimes I'm not nice to myself. And sometimes I don't love myself. I guess I should, but I'm trying. And other people in my life is that trying to show me how to
Angela Copas
@ackenmaramack · 5:00

You cant outrun your thinking

It's just a really foreign concept to be your own best friend. My brother is great at it. He's great at it. But when you know so much about yourself and there's just so much about yourself that you don't like, there's just so much truth that you can see it's like, no, I know who I am, I know how I am and I don't like that part of me
Liv Blair
@livblair · 1:09
I feel like I always see this quote too. It's just something that comes up a lot. Pike. It's just a popular one for people, which makes sense. But I feel like I've never taken the time to actually pike understand it and understand what pike putting in the work to accomplish that involves. Because it's always just been like, oh, just means you complement yourself. Every once in a while you just try to treat yourself how you would treat others
Paul OMahony
@omaniblog · 1:29
I've noticed the number hello, from Cork, Ireland, Paul, here, I've noticed a number of you who have spoken and I've noticed a number of you who have said how difficult it is to be your own best friend or to speak kindly and in a pleasant way to use ourselves. And this is very good for me to listen to
Paul OMahony
@omaniblog · 4:45
But what you say to yourself matters maybe more than you realize. I remember walking across a rough bridge suspended over the sea, quite high. Carrigo read in Northern in Ireland, way back. And I'm terrified of heights. I said to myself, I'm not going to walk across this bridge. This was a rough bridge. It had ropes along either side and underneath. And I was terrified. So eventually I did walk across it
Chelsea Georges
@cjsthoughts111 · 2:38
Shawn, people realize when my friends are talking and they refer to themselves as stupid or things of that sort, I say, no, you're not, because they aren't. And I feel like it definitely is a thing where if you say something enough, you'll begin to believe it. And it makes me think about what someone said, where they're like what you say, the words you say and the things you say are like spells and using their terminology
Dzakye M
@dzakyem · 5:00

Here is my humble wisdom...

But this love we hope for so strongly. Imagine giving it to yourself. Then you're happy all the time. Being soft to oneself sometimes. Recently I've had the idea of moving more slowly. For example, when I'm on my own, there is no reason why I should rush
Jordan Brown
@ModernGentleman · 1:06

A bit about me

But for the most part, I'm kind to myself though, and I encourage other people to be compassionate and kind to themselves as well. Give yourself compliments and encourage yourself. Like, say, I got this. When you're in a bind or in a tough situation or even when you're having a good day, be like this. And I deserve to have a good day. I deserve to have fun and have all the finer things in life
Deborah Pardes
@DBPardes · 0:58


Hey Jordan, I just wanted to reply. I've been enjoying this whole thread with everyone's responses, but I wanted to make sure I called out what you brought up with for me, which is that when you're kind to yourself how much that contribute is to our ability to be kind to others. You said that in your own reply that as much as you're thinking about your own narrative to yourself, you're saying, Pike, hey guys, do it, pike
Hansika Reddy
@Hansikareddy · 0:24
I've never heard of this code before but makes so much sense. We often go so hard on ourselves and forget to reflect on how we are feeling in that situation. If we talk about to ourselves and try to understand what we're feeling, it can change our attitude drastically and help us become that person we aspire to be