I feel the creaking stiffness of my fingers as they grab the 16 inch laptop, gripping tightly, consciously clenching around the textured pink case, pushing strength into slippery pads. Slippery due to the dopamine that flows away, sometimes a trickle, sometimes like the surge of a dam unleashed, or that scream loud in the night inside my brain. I feel the plump warmth of the heating pad and the cool touch of metal, the metal of the footstool that the tips of my toes rest against