@SeekingPlumb

When honesty takes a backseat to window dressing.

So whatever the intent is, whether it's about making yourself feel better, or you wanting the perception of being seen a particular way, or you really want to, I don't know, gently handle my feelings in some way, it feels like whatever the intent is, these particular ways of communicating do not do that. I was very heavily into poker for a long time. I spent eleven consecutive summers going to the World Series of Poker

Why is hollow language used to "value" someone over honesty?

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@lwatsonjr
Lance Watson
@lwatsonjrΒ Β·Β 4:21

@SeekingPlumb: a southern nod…

You don't like what they're talking about, but you're just trying to sort of a social courtesy. You're just trying to move through the conversation. And a lot of times, similar to what you described, there are these tales. And it's interesting that you use poker as an illustration or as an analogy because there are tells when people do that, even phonetically, even when they're talking, when they're speaking, there are tells, there are southern nods that people give
5
@SeekingPlumb

@lwatsonjr

But in some way these other examples feel different because instead it's about a false narrative about the relationship, right? The relating between us or how one perceives me or wants me to think they perceive me. And that is just above and beyond unnecessary and I think more destructive than saying the Southern nod or the oh, no, that's okay when it's not, et cetera, et cetera. I don't know
3
@onwardandupward
Adam E.L. Anthony
@onwardandupwardΒ Β·Β 2:59
And I think that's something that is very it's not serving really anyone, it's under serving us as humans when we run away from what is uncomfortable, but yet has the most opportunity for growth, has the most opportunity for transparency, and also allows people to really just sit with what's the truth here in a healthy and safe space. So interested to see if you have any other thoughts to piggyback or disagree with what I'm saying. And thank you again. Be well
4
@lwatsonjr
Lance Watson
@lwatsonjrΒ Β·Β 4:21

@onwardandupward @SeekingPlumb: "That’s craaaaazy…" and other fillers…

And what's so interesting about it is that and I haven't had this experience recently, but I would suspect having that conversation yesterday, that I probably do this more often than I think. And the question that I raised is it inappropriate to or is it harsh? And I love how Adam expressed brutal honesty. Is it brutal? Is it mean hearted, mean spirited to just be honest with people in a sort of candid kind of way?
4
@bowie
Bowie Rowan
@bowieΒ Β·Β 4:33
And it's interesting because I think in the past with some of these friends I would have done what you all mentioned, that thing where it's just like, yeah, that sounds really hard and kind of started just checking out, right? And as I've gotten older, I see that as the nice response, right?
3
@SeekingPlumb

@onwardandupward

Some really great points in there. I think you're right. It's very easy for us to just stick in the phrasing that either I don't know if it's a part of culture or we've been conditioned or it's habituary or what is that the word I want? Anyway, you know what I mean? To say things like, yeah, that's okay, or whatever, but you're right, we don't sit in the honesty of what we're really thinking and feeling
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@DBPardes
Deborah Pardes
@DBPardesΒ Β·Β 1:26

@bowie ref: @GivingVoice

I love this conversation, listening to everything up to here where Bowie has spoken. So I wanted to just riff off of you, Bowie, and say that the ultimate reason why we talk to people, people, is to connect to people. And if the connection is false, it's so unsatisfying. So I'm with you in trying to create the most authentic way of getting to the heart of things and not the window dressing
3
@SeekingPlumb

@lwatsonjr

And I don't know how you handle that or what's the most ideal or anything like that because in the case of a funeral, they're really grieving and that can take all sorts of forms and yet your time is valuable too. I don't know. And counseling is hard too, just in a different way. But the other example of the grocery line or I'm just thinking of some of my interactions on clubhouse
@SeekingPlumb

@bowie

Oh boy. I'm so glad that you responded because I think it ties in perfectly. I think it's a necessary and important point, this difference between niceness and kindness. And I've been trying to convey this idea myself and various conversations recently but I haven't been able to articulate it in the way that you did. And I really, really appreciate that and I think you're absolutely right
1
@SeekingPlumb

@DBPardes

I could not agree with you more. I'm so enjoying this conversation. There's so much nuance and like you said, emotional intelligence and so on. It's really lovely. I also really liked you mentioning even radical honesty. And it's funny, isn't it, because it's supposed to be about, or at least my theory is it's supposed to be about relatedness. I don't know how it started, but it doesn't feel like that whenever I've witnessed it
@GeorgieDee
Georgie Dee
@GeorgieDeeΒ Β·Β 4:54

@SeekingPlumb @lwatsonjr @bowie @DBPardes Apologies it's a long one

And I was one of the most valued people in the leadership team, and I thought, I've just actually called you out on your dishonesty right there. And from that point on, she was nicer to me. More genuine
4
@GeorgieDee
Georgie Dee
@GeorgieDeeΒ Β·Β 1:39

@SeekingPlumb

But let's not engage in fakeness. I'd rather just have some respectful distance and you're kind of allowing the other person to be themselves without any acrimonious behavior. It doesn't have to be a conflict. It just has to be an agreement that you don't get along. And I think if you're doing it in audio, that's a whole different ballgame. Like if somebody says something like I really appreciate your comments here and now, I'm going to sledge you in a nice voice
2
@SeekingPlumb

@GeorgieDee

Yeah, I also really appreciated I use the lexicon, the shared lexicon with people when I'm trying to sort through understanding or working through of ideas with someone in a conversation, right. Because it facilitates understanding if they're using a word in a particular way. I'm going to use that word in the same way just so that we can move forward
1
@WarPig73
LIVE LIFE
@WarPig73Β Β·Β 2:15

@SeekingPlumb

I do take into consideration other people's feelings. I try as much as I possibly can. But at the end of the day, mission doesn't happen unless we are very transparent with one another. And misinterpretation can't happen. It just can't happen when you're delivering your thoughts and your feelings in a very respectful way. And sometimes I usually allow the other person to dictate how I respond or treat them
1
@SeekingPlumb

@WarPig73

And so I do think that the smaller groups that we have or the established friendships that we have can grow stronger because of it. But I also think that there's this larger picture that also draws people to us because it's refreshing, right, and they life that and I think even causes people to want to emulate that because I know that when I saw it in years past, I was like, that seems so empowering, so freeing and I want to be more like that
1
@WarPig73
LIVE LIFE
@WarPig73Β Β·Β 4:29

@SeekingPlumb

Because no matter how plain you get it, no matter what kind of crayon you draw the picture on the piece of paper with, it all deals with the other person's ability to understand, but I guess above that, it deals with our ability to deliver. So we'd leave no room, communication wise, of misinterpretation
1
@OmegaStrange
Demarkis Klan Destine
@OmegaStrangeΒ Β·Β 0:31
Hey, I agree with you. Sometimes it can be exhausting being around people who loves to pretend, who pretends that they understand you or that they even care. But I do believe that there is a time and place to be honest. There is a time and place for honesty, and there is also a time and place for dishonesty
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@GeorgieDee
Georgie Dee
@GeorgieDeeΒ Β·Β 1:32

@OmegaStrange πŸ’― Gotta go someone's at the door 😁

And one of my little methods of getting out of that conversation is I bang the sea chest that's next to me and I go, sorry, there's somebody at the door. I've got to go. And it works every time. It lets them off the hook. It lets me off the hook. And nobody's feeling for hurt, right? There's also a mission
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