Deconstructing the 'Lies Our Mothers Told Us', with Author/ Independent journalist Nilanjana Bhowmick
Her book, Lies Our Mothers Told US, is just out on the stands and takes a close look at the gender inequality in India's middle class. So I connected with Nilanjana on Twitter, and she very kindly agreed to join me in a conversation around her book today. Hello, Neil and Jana. And welcome to swell. Thank you for coming on to my Swell cast to be a part of this conversation. Many congratulations on your book
These are jobs that only women can do. But no, these are life skills. And if the men in our families created an equal environment for us at homes, then it will take away a lot of our burden. So let's take the example of a working couple for a working couple
And as you said in your reply, the dropout rates of girls from schools and colleges and women from jobs is alarmingly high in our country. And yet, when you look at board examination toppers it's, the girls who outperform victims of rape and sexual harassment are shamed into believing that they are the ones at fault. So the stigmatization of women continues unabated. And yet we have token celebrations around Women Women's Day and their so called achievements
But there is no commitment. No Indian government has ever shown sustained commitment to gender issues of late. We see a lot of there are a lot of words women lead development, betty Per child and all of this. It's very
But if you don't empower her family or the community she lives in, then her empowerment means nothing. If she's still living in a patriarchal setup where you know, that empowerment is at the mercy of our male relatives. So the government the only way forward I see is that more rigorous engagement from the government. Please get out of the mindset of just launching policies and programs. Ask women what they want, what can make a difference to their lives. Include women in decision making
Manalika Das
@Manalika · 1:03
Hi. So thank you so much for talking about this topic especially I am definitely going to buy this book right now. Plus about gender inequality. I think it is a topic which is the need of the r because not but even for the middle class people or people from the lower strata, even rich people or people from the entertainment industries in that particular category, women are asked about questions regarding their marriage, whether they still perform in the industry or not, whereas these questions are not asked for men
Hello, ma'am. First of all, it's our pleasure conversation. Join Kari and Hamari. Swell is a platform. And thank you so much, first of all. And it's okay. So thank you so much. Have a very nice day. Take care
shilpee bhalla
@Shilpi-Bhalla · 1:01
Hello. First of all, thank you so much Ramya for inviting Nilanjana on this breakform and I will read this book ASAP. Gender prejudice and resulting gender discrimination begin in in childhood. From the moment they are born, girls and boys face unequal gender norms regarding expectations and sex resources and opportunities with lifelong constituents in their homes, schools and communities. But with the time help of education and law, scenario change day by day and further, we really hope for the best
And the time has really come for all of us to take a stand, to start speaking up about our experiences and just basically speak up, speak to each other, and form a sisterhood and begin to trust each other, because women have been pitted against each other forever in our country, because that works for patriarchy. And you must have noticed that in our homes, the dictates might come from the father or grandfather, but they're always handed down or enforced by our mothers or grandmothers
Sreeja V
@Wordsmith · 3:33
And I'm sure that each of these women, irrespective of their backgrounds, have also had their struggles, right, in terms of breaking glass ceilings and getting confidence from investors, in terms of investing in their projects, plus support from the home front and so on. And most of them would definitely have partners who have believed in them and who are partners in their success story in terms of both at home and at work. So I'll definitely support from an understanding partner is also the key
Do not leave your job, do not leave your education. Often parents try to say talent. I was lucky. My parents were very supportive. My mother especially was very supportive. So, yes, keep your focus and just hone your talent and give it a direction. Nobody can stop you
You. Hi, thank you so much for joining the conversation. Yes, see, workplace harassment for women is a real problem. And I will be very honest with you, I have faced it throughout my career. I have been working as a journalist for the last 22 years and I have almost the reason came a freelance journalist is not by choice. It was because it was so difficult to work full time when I was younger. There was sexual harassment
So if we have modernized as a society, then it is quite surprising that we have not been able to modernize the way we work. I mean, women have become co breadwinners, but men are not becoming cocaine. And this is something I keep repeating, that there is nothing called a feminine job. Every job is basically a livelihood. Especially if we talk about the home. Cooking, cleaning, caregiving. These are life skills. These are not something that only women can do
Habeeb Khan
@Habkhan26 · 3:53
He's a very bad parent, right. And somehow women have that innate ability, that characteristic of being compassionate, being more kind, being more caring than men, which is why I always feel that there cannot be any better human being to take care of children apart from a woman, apart from a mother, so that's their responsibility. Yes. Sacrifices and compromises are always there in life. Who doesn't make sacrifices and compromises, right?
See, there are a few contradictory things here which I would like to point out first is that I don't think feminism has empowered any woman in this country as such, because the so called empowerment that you are talking about, a lot of that is actually women just trying to fit into spaces that have been created for men. And I'll give you an example. Look at the controversy surrounding on the period leave
And she told me that I find it really very hard to understand why younger women in their twenty s and thirty s are just looking forward to marrying very well so that they don't need to work anymore. So that really happens. And for that it's a kind of a social indoctrination that girls in this country grew up with. And all of this needs to change. And it will change with education and awareness
And I think one of the greatest way that it is handed down is this trope about motherhood, about motherhood being divine and only women can do it. No, it's not true. We have to stop talking about motherhood. We have to start talking about parenthood. When we are talking about parenting, we are talking about both the parents. We are not just talking about mothers alone. Yes, there are certain things that fathers cannot do. Fathers cannot breastfeed
Vrinda Goyal
@Itz_vrinda_dear · 0:13
Hey there. I really liked your swell cast and I think your content is very much amazing. And yes, all the best for future and keep on making such pictures
Habeeb Khan
@Habkhan26 · 4:52
At least the woman and the girls which I have spoken to, being satisfied is really good, right? If you're not being pressured by society, you don't have that innate pressure, you're satisfied for ones that's really great. Perhaps that pressure applies to men. The society feels that it's the man that is the breadwinner of the family and in fact, the man has to go ahead and succeed in life, excel in their careers and all of that
Habeeb Khan
@Habkhan26 · 4:53
So everybody somehow, somewhere, sometime in their lives, they have to try to fit in and adjust a little bit. But ultimately, what I'm trying to understand here is what exactly is feminism, whether feminism is about equality amongst men and women or is it about getting equal opportunities so that you can prove whether you prove that you're equal or you're superior or inferior to each other?
Habeeb Khan
@Habkhan26 · 0:59
But of course, people will disagree, just like me. So even I'm disagreeing here. But if you do feel I'm going wrong or if I'm unable to comprehend to any of your thoughts, do reply to me and let me know. Thank you so much. It's
Binati Sheth
@Binati_Sheth · 4:46
Had she told me certain things when I was a kid, that wouldn't have happened. Point being, I wouldn't have been heartbroken, right, about some things about family, some things about the world we live in, rather than coming to this realization on your own, which I feel is heartbreaking in certain regards, versus having little hints about these things. I totally understand where mothers come from when they lie to their children about things pertaining to family, about things about the world we live in
Sudha Varadarajan
@sudha · 5:00
So I do believe that the concept of work can be shared by both partners and similarly the concept of making sure the family is tight net and can be shared by both partners. But I think culturally, I think they set up the structure in a way that made sense perhaps for those days
So I think it is also very important to examine the biases that we grew up with and just basically look at whatever you think is in your mind. Just divide it into two equal portions. Equality. Men and women are just two parts of the same coin. There is no either. It is not either or. It is men and women, mother and father. So this makes sense. And again, it's okay if we disagree. You know, it's important to have a conversation
There was a lot of hope and unfortunately that didn't happen the way they thought it would. And as I said, it's not on them, it's not on us, it's on society at large. Please read the book. And I hope you come back and I hope we can continue with this conversation
And I don't think that paints a picture of a society where women are treasured or appreciated, acknowledged or where they are happy. And I think if we need our community to be happy then we need to ensure that all the components of that society, they lead a happy life. And that includes women, of course, because women are majorly the caregivers in any society and around the world
Swell Team
@Swell · 0:15