And I took it to my mom's house for her to keep because I'm worried that he might commit suicide. And he's been gone. He left and he's not been home. He did text me today or responded to my text, I should say earlier today. This evening. He hasn't responded to my most recent text. I worry for him for his future little things. I worry. Is he warm? Is he eating? I have nobody
Deborah Pardes
@DBPardes · 1:35
And I'm just hoping that by the time you hear this, things have been better for you, that feel better for you. Stay in this space and let us know how you are. Any news. And I'll keep an ear out as well as others who are listening. I'm sending you a lot of compassion right now and a lot light back to you. And thank you for sharing this moment with us
Zara Lisbon
@ZLisbon · 4:59
I didn't know that it was depression that I was going through, but my mom would ask me to do the simplest charge, and I found that I could not do them. And I thought I was broken or dysfunctional. I didn't know it was depression. So it's good that you do understand that. That's great. I was so lazy in my classes. Not surprised, but I'm like a very smart person
Shannon Chadwell
@Shay74 · 5:00
And then I think if I do this, then maybe I'm just pushing him further away from me. I don't remember. I don't even know what other than being Monday. I don't know what holiday this is, but my kid doesn't have school tomorrow. I did tell him when I was getting him dinner. He does eventually need to come home. And of course, like always, he just says, I know, mom. I said, we need to talk
Shannon Chadwell
@Shay74 · 5:00
But at the same time, the way my family has always been granted, I know there's no really such thing as a normal family, but my family is not. My family is pretty unconventional, I guess. I don't know, even if that's the right word, but my grandparents were probably the most supportive people in my entire life. They're no longer here. But the unspoken or unwritten rule, I guess, was that I will help you as long as you are helping yourself
Shannon Chadwell
@Shay74 · 5:00
Sorry. I feel like I'm kind of rambling, but yeah, multiple issues going on here. Obviously, the biggest concern is my son. I worry about him. I love him. I want him to come home. Other than calling the police and reporting as a runaway, I don't know what else to do. I guess I'm just going to try and write this out and see what happens. Come tomorrow
Jared Bogda
@JCB07 · 1:46
That's why we go to therapy and that's why we talk to others about our problems is you want a different perspective and not that it always has to be about problems, but I think in this situation it seems that the Swell community can be there for you. And I think that's what's really important is you need others to kind of give you feedback and not always great feedback because I really have nothing that I can really contribute to say that everything's going to be okay
Shannon Chadwell
@Shay74 · 5:00
I don't really know what I did wrong. I don't know where I went wrong. I've done nothing but love him and support him. We used to be so close. We used to joke all the time and have fun together. Just the thought of never saying again just breaks me. I don't want to lose him. I don't know what I did wrong. She has never been a mom. I had no business being a parent
Zara Lisbon
@ZLisbon · 4:41
Hey, thanks for updating us. I'm so glad he's home safe for now. I forget if you said you're in therapy or not, or if you're medic, you have anxiety meds but not antidepressants. I am wondering if you have a good relationship with your psychiatrist. I feel like you should really talk to them about an SSRI to help get you through this time because it's so heavy. He also seems to be struggling with more than just depression
Shannon Chadwell
@Shay74 · 5:00
One of those meds that I take helps me sleep, at least helps me fall asleep. I took my meds and fell asleep pretty early. Usually I'm asleep right around 930. Usually I don't know what time it was, but he came in and woke me up and asked me if I would take him to school today and I said yes. I said why do you want to go to school? And he said he wanted to say goodbye to his friends. So I said okay
Shannon Chadwell
@Shay74 · 5:00
It's been hard ever since he mentioned depression anyway and wanting to commit suicide. It's been hard ever since then, and that's only been maybe two months. Maybe things that I have always found joy in, which really hasn't been much, but the things that I do find joy in, I don't anymore. I've always listened to music whenever I Cook dinner, clean the house, take a shower first thing in the morning
Shannon Chadwell
@Shay74 · 5:00
I texted and the nurse practitioner that I used to work for, the one who kind of left our company, she went to PRN status. I texted her thinking I could talk to her. I'm really close with her and I just need somebody. When everything was okay with Dylan and things were normal, I was struggling being alone
Shannon Chadwell
@Shay74 · 5:00
So Dylan did go to school today. I just got off his guidance counselor. He is there, but he's telling everybody that it's his last day. She gave me some options as to what we can do as far as withdrawing him from school. And I told him basically he's going to refuse absolutely everything he thinks. He's outliving his best life right now. In his words, that's what he's doing. He's living his best life. He did text me
Shannon Chadwell
@Shay74 · 3:39
So I'm going to keep posting on here whether anybody listens or not because like I said, this is kind of been therapeutic itself. If you're praying people, I just hope that somebody prays for my son Dylan and myself. We could use it. I just appreciate this app, really. I'm not even sure if I'm using it for its purpose, but it's helping me so great
Deborah Pardes
@DBPardes · 0:37
Hey, Shay, just want to pop in here and affirm what you just said. That Audio Journaling is in and of itself a very valuable thing. And I'm sure there are people listening who have nothing to add, but they're hearing your story and it's helping them perhaps navigate their own. So there's no right or wrong way to use this app. And I think you're sharing here is absolutely what needs to happen for you right now. So just reflecting that back to you
Shannon Chadwell
@Shay74 · 5:00
She did give me some more harsher advice, which I'm going to obviously try my best, because like I said in one of my earlier posts, this is hard on me for more than one reason, and one of them being that I do feel like I need him more than he needs me. So I have been that person in the past who has tolerated more than I deserved just because I felt like I couldn't be alone. But something about me, for sure
Shannon Chadwell
@Shay74 · 5:00
Like, I'm telling him he can't, but at the same time, can we kind of figure out what's going on here? Because like I said, this isn't a truck stop. You don't just come in when you need something and do it when I'm not home, so you can avoid seeing me. Got to make plans, dude
Shannon Chadwell
@Shay74 · 5:00
I don't know that I can stick with the follow through and this is just terrible. It's terrible. It's heartbreaking. It really is. I don't understand how people, parents everywhere deal with this kind of stuff on a day to day basis and how they get by. How do you function? How do you go to work and not want to spill your heart out to people and have breakdown moments and cry? How do you do it?
Shannon Chadwell
@Shay74 · 5:00
And he knows that because I know how he has struggled with school pretty much his whole entire life and follow my rules at home, which my rules have always been extremely simple. I am a control freak, so I have always done the majority of everything around the house anyway. But his rules since he's been a teenager have always been, Just keep your dishes clean. Obviously, if I Cook dinner, I do dinner dishes and he needs to keep his bedroom area clean
Shannon Chadwell
@Shay74 · 5:00
They don't want him to play with them. Like I said, Dylan has always been a very challenging child as well. I think he has an anger problem. When he was younger, if he didn't get his way, he made sure he let the whole house know about it. He would throw temper tantrums. He would do whatever he could. And he's very also very good about spinning things to make it look like he is the victim and things. He's a very good manipulator
Shannon Chadwell
@Shay74 · 4:58
But I love my mom and I do look back now and I don't approve of a lot of things that she did and how she raised my sister and I. But she was also a single mom, so I know that she probably was doing the best that she could and she also didn't have good examples of what parents should be. So she was probably doing the same thing that I did and was just wanting to be better than her parents. So I have nothing but love for my mom
Shannon Chadwell
@Shay74 · 5:00
And then later, whether he's tried it or not, he'll tell me he doesn't want to do it and he never wanted to do it. He does that with just about everything, everything from clothes. You'll take them shopping for clothes, and he doesn't want to hurt your feelings. So he'll say he likes something. Then you get at home, you wash it and get it ready for him to wear. Come to find out, he never wears it
Shannon Chadwell
@Shay74 · 4:55
He brought the mail in and put it on my bed and it looks like he took his Xbox and looks like a dirty shirt on the couch. I'm trying not to cry, but I miss him very much. I miss him and I would give anything to hug him right now. I know I keep saying that. I know I probably repeat myself a lot. I just don't really know what else to say. This hurts. I've never really felt a hurt like this before
Shannon Chadwell
@Shay74 · 4:58
He stayed for just a few minutes, but he didn't have a lot to say and I didn't want to put him on the spot in front of his friend and my friend, but he did hug me. He told me he loved me and we talked about some of his belongings, I guess some things that he wants to throw away
Shannon Chadwell
@Shay74 · 4:59
I want to have another opportunity to tell him I love him. I'm scared, you know, him taking that Social Security guard. It's kind of like the last thing I have that keeps bringing him back. I figured he would always need that and he would have come back some day for it. Does that make me controlling? Am I controlling? I don't wish this kind of pain on anybody. I have been through a lot of things
Shannon Chadwell
@Shay74 · 5:00
Happy Monday evening. Just got home from work a little bit ago. My visit with Dylan yesterday went really well, actually. We didn't talk about the issue at hand. In fact, I did feel like it was kind of awkward, but we talked. It was just everyday normal conversation. I don't know, maybe kind of maybe think maybe he wants to feel normal around me and that's obviously what I want
Shannon Chadwell
@Shay74 · 5:00
I had one person say that something along the lines, as my kids, I shouldn't be relying on my kids for my emotional needs. Something along those lines. And that's definitely not word for word what she said. But she's probably right. But I didn't like hearing that. I don't know why I didn't, but she might be right and I just might be in denial. I don't know
Shannon Chadwell
@Shay74 · 4:43
Like I said before, though, nights and weekends are always my hardest. This is only Wednesday, so I think about them all the time. And of course I worry nonstop, but I'm sure that will probably never go away. He is and has been and always will be such a big part of my life, all three of my kids. And the more I talk to people, the more I think about things
Shannon Chadwell
@Shay74 · 4:55
Good morning, everybody. It's Friday. I think it's even payday Friday today. So a little bit of an update. Dylan and I went out to dinner last night. He's doing well, according to him. Like I said before, he's living his best life. I think I'm done with the fight
Swell Team
@Swell · 0:15
Shannon Chadwell
@Shay74 · 4:14
Being alone is not good for me anyway. I know they say you can't be happy in a relationship if you're not happy alone, and I really think that's BS. But whatever. I feel like I thrive when I'm in a relationship. I feel like I thrive when I feel wanted and needed when I have something to focus my time and my energy on. But things will get better. Like I said, every day is a new day. We'll see what happens with Dylan