@QueerDictionary

What is the future of gender?

article image placeholderThe Origin of Gender
So I did a little more digging, and I came across the video linked here called Origin of Gender, and it's through PBS series Origin of Everything, which as a word nerd I found fascinating, and I had to pull myself away. So I didn't just watch all the videos in one sitting. But I found this video really helpful because it goes into distinguishing the difference between sex and gender, which I know for me growing up was often conflated or seen as the same thing

Wow colonialism is the worst! https://s.swell.life/SSI1xQ20hrVKqPk

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@Lys
Lys Surrexi
@Lys · 4:44

Gender and performance! Book mentioned: Parenting Beyond Pink and Blue 👫

All these stereotypes, all these learned behaviors that boys have. And I was like, I don't want to deal with that. I want to raise a little girl. I want to raise a feminist. I want her to be like me. And I thought, Well, I'm going to be a parent. And I can't go into parenting with this mindset. And I read a book called Pink and Blue, Pink or Blue. Parenting past the gender binary. Something like that
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@bowie
Bowie Rowan
@bowie · 4:53

My early experiences with gender!

And what's interesting is this isn't really something that I thought about as a kid. I just did not feel comfortable in what was considered girls clothing then, and I always identified more with boy characters in movies who were playing sports and doing all these things I love to do or girl characters that were like tomboys and really rough around the edges or orphans and things and learn to live on the streets
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@bowie
Bowie Rowan
@bowie · 0:48

How has your gender identity changed you & your relationships?

So clearly I could talk a lot about this. So I'll stop there for now. But I am curious us talking about our early experiences with gender. When was it in your your journey with gender that you realize, like, I definitely am non binary? What was the trigger for you to realize that? And I'm curious how that realization, how did that manifest in your life? Like, did you start dressing differently or presenting differently? And how did that feel?
@bowie
Bowie Rowan
@bowie · 1:32

P.S. Lots of terms! Clarifying myself a bit 🙃

And I wanted since language and definitions are very important to us, clearly, I wanted to make a note about something I said about being trans, and I thought it was really important to clarify that you do not need to modify your body like I did and get any kind of surgery or anything like that in order for you to be trans or for you to feel valid or consider yourself valid as trans. And I felt like that was a bit implied in the way that I framed that
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@Lys
Lys Surrexi
@Lys · 4:33

Valid however we present!

So because she's an amazing advocate, very outspoken and amazingly talented as an actress. But she also in terms of how her presentation aligns with who she is is extremely feminine. And she's been asked about that. And she's rightly pushed back against questions like those to just say, you need to get past this weird curiosity of trying to figure out how I look under my clothes, that's none of anybody's business. And you wouldn't ask cisgendered people that
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@Lys
Lys Surrexi
@Lys · 4:16

The relief and confidence and challenges of the impact of transition

I've gotten a haircut like the queer haircut that everybody has where it's, like shaved on the sides, and I have a little Buffon. I love it. I f****** love it. And I've taken to wearing different clothing, much more masculine clothing, and I feel really good about it. And I've also started to grow out my upper lip hair
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@Lys
Lys Surrexi
@Lys · 4:42

The clothesssss

And that's what pushed me to talk about it more and to go for what I wanted in terms of clothing, especially. And even now, I walk around and I look at typical clothing that women wear typical women's clothing. And I'm like, no shade, really. But I was like, I'm so glad that I don't feel the need to wear that anymore because it was making me uncomfortable in a lot of different ways. So that's really where it started for me
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@bowie
Bowie Rowan
@bowie · 2:37

Yes! squeaks dog toy in background

And sometimes I think my frustration and part of what's maybe a little ironic about starting the Queer Dictionary with you is that I sometimes feel this like I don't want to live in a world where I have to identify as anything or explain myself or justify who I am and what feels right to me and how I look. But there's also a pain sometimes I shouldn't say. Sometimes I feel like most of the time almost always there's a pain in not being seen clearly by others
@bowie
Bowie Rowan
@bowie · 3:16

Claiming terms that make sense for us

I totally get it like this fear that someone's going to come out of the woodwork and say, hey, what's this person who's in a heterosexual presenting relationship doing by claiming that or whatever, and that conflict or holding both of those things at the same time was just really interesting to me, because I'm wondering since you first kind of put that out there for us to think about, if you've had any more thoughts about that, or if you could say a little more about why it's been difficult for you to claim that word versus non binary or something, because if it's valid for anyone else who whether or not they choose to alter their body or take hormones or anything else, then why not for you?
@bowie
Bowie Rowan
@bowie · 4:50

Gender can be fun!

I've had a lot with people close in my life, had a really interesting moment with a friend recently that said, with sadness, like, I just remember how fluid and fun gender was for me as a kid, and I don't know when it stopped being fun. And I know for me something along this journey with gender that I really have wanted to embrace is that gender expression is allowed to be fun. I'm allowed to give myself permission to have fun with it
@bowie
Bowie Rowan
@bowie · 3:46

The future of gender

And so when we think, what is the future of gender wondering what you think the future holds? I know you have a kid and I have nieces between the age of one and four, and I often wonder 20 years from now, 30 years from now what their experience and understanding of gender will be, and if we will live in a much different world when it comes to gender? Well, some of these terms that you and I are talking about now be really outdated
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@Lys
Lys Surrexi
@Lys · 4:48

I’m finally responding from the questioning abyss of being TRANS

But that particular part or that particular way of being to me felt really heavy because I still don't know what that means for myself. The part of it of me being in a marriage with a heterosexual cisgendered man and how my transness impacts our dynamic and our intimacy and our connection and all that kind of stuff and working through that. But really, at the end of the day, it comes down to how I can sit with that with myself
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@Lys
Lys Surrexi
@Lys · 4:41

What’s been your gender moment?

This is how I'm going to express my gender, and I'm going to play with it. And I'm going to have fun with it. And you asked me, how have I given myself permission to have fun with my gender? And first, actually, what I want to note is that I do think other is a difference. They're connected. But there's a big difference. I think between gender and what's the future of gender and then also gender expression
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@Lys
Lys Surrexi
@Lys · 4:33

More on the future of gender

So I hope that that will be part of our future of gender, something that is super concrete and something that isn't internal but comes from external sources or external forces that really shape our lives without us even knowing it. The other thing I was thinking, too, is the visibility is that you're already seeing trans people more all over the place and that in media, in movies and in shows and writing and interviews everywhere. And I think that will continue as well
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@Lys
Lys Surrexi
@Lys · 1:58

dating???

I feel like I've started to let those go, or I've just kind of let those go. And I have this sense of, like, I don't know. I just feel like a different animal, like whenever I'm in a sexual situation or an intimate situation, I want to know how that is for you or how that's been for you as much as you want to share it. Give us all other salacious details. Yeah
@bowie
Bowie Rowan
@bowie · 2:43

@Lys Representations of transness & its impact

I was really impacted by hearing you talk about it, and I think it's something that needs to be more of a conversation, an open conversation, because what I was thinking about when you were asking me sort of in response, how that's been for me is how unproductive it's been for me when I start feeling shame on top of shame. So it's like, oh, the internalized shame about being trans and then shame for feeling the shame
@bowie
Bowie Rowan
@bowie · 3:35

@Lys Internalized transphobia & trans joy!

Is it becoming so clear, what is the internalized transphobia experience and what is actually what I see and feel and really believe it feels so differentiated in my mind at this point, like I can feel when other voice or the lens of socialized bigotry and close mindedness is emerging that somehow poisoned my brain along the way, most likely through the media and other personal relationships, where how I naturally was and how I expressed myself and experienced myself was really judged or made fun of or even got me in trouble sometimes
@bowie
Bowie Rowan
@bowie · 3:17

@Lys Gender Euphoriiiiiaaa!!!

Gender euphoria. Yeah. Let's get into it. So love that you asked that question and also love that you brought up the difference between gender identity and gender expression in because even that is something that I don't feel like I really understood until more recently. And I don't think it's something that is a differentiation that a lot of people would think about or make unless you're queer or you have queer friends or trans friends. So happy to be talking about that
@bowie
Bowie Rowan
@bowie · 4:24

@Lys Dating has been great! (as much as Covid dating can be!)

Who knows, I'm just really enjoying being able to be more openly and honestly myself when encountering people, and I've noticed as well that in dating right now, it feels much easier to be really direct in general, about who I am, what I want, what I'm thinking about the open questions for me, my relationship, my evolving relationship to my gender identity and expression and how that might change. And it felt really lovely to have had all positive reactions to that so far
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