And I thought, no, because I didn't make myself exclusively available to one person I'm dating. I'm in the process of dating. That's how dating worked for me. It's like I'm getting to know this person and that person and that person. And if it just so happens that I meet a person who's amazing and I want to spend more time with, maybe it can transition into a serious relationship
jalina upchurch
@YaGirlNikki · 3:16
I just say be careful because although you don't put your feelings into that particular person, that person can do the opposite and say I want to be with you, and you're like, oh, well, I like it someone else and I don't see it. So it can get a little bit complicated. When it comes to casual dating, you can end up in a little triangle, but you got to be open, honest, real with the people you're talking to
Dewuan .
@FryedOreo · 4:57
Friends with benefits is a lot different than what I'm talking about because friends with benefits is just sex buddies and there's really no dating involved. There's no courtship, there's no going places. It's just simply f******. Nothing wrong with that. But that's not what I interpret casual dating as. Casual dating, for me, is to make a connection with someone, a very strong connection. But I can just as much make that connection with someone else
Shaniqua Murrell
@wayuphigh · 4:32
And people think that that means that you're looking to sleep around like you were saying. It's interesting that you said that women would perceive that because as a woman I got that. Well, what does casual dating mean that you sleep around? It's almost like people are such traditionalist in their values when they grow up that they don't understand that there is an alternative in between being in a long term relationship or being in a marriage that exists called casual
jalina upchurch
@YaGirlNikki · 4:55
And we do have sexual relations with one another. And it's friends with benefits because we do things together and we have a deep connection that we take in our time with. No, we're not in a family relationships right now. And we do talk to other people to explore that's what dating is, in my opinion. Now, when it comes to being committed to multiple people, you could be committed to whoever you want to be committed to
Dewuan .
@FryedOreo · 4:24
And I think that's a part of the problem. It shouldn't have to lead to anything. But if it does by some gravitational force go in that direction, then you know that's the direction you want to go in. But with these dating apps you have to say what you are looking for. You have to say it's just casual or chatting or friendship or long term or short term
Dewuan .
@FryedOreo · 4:55
It's really important to make sure that you get a good idea of a person before you meet them. But nowadays, people want to meet you before they even talk to you that much on the Internet, just so they know they're not wasting their time, which to me, defeats the purpose of it. But that's just my opinion. But anyway, thanks for sharing your story with us
Swell Team
@Swell · 0:15
jalina upchurch
@YaGirlNikki · 4:37
Some people catch feelings real fast and deep, and others don't. They just pretty much like, yeah, I just want to be friends and we can smash and have fun, and that's it. But, yeah, I don't see anything wrong with dating multiple people. It's all your decision and all your choice. And like you said, most oftentimes things do develop and lead to something more, like marriage or anything
Khadijah H
@Mindsetmatters2 · 4:51
Did you just see someone you're like walk up to them, you all got to talking, and then it turned into a relationship. I guess that's my question. How was it before rather than now? You almost making some sort of not necessarily a life change, but you want to do something different. And to me, I don't see anything wrong with that. Now as far as I'm concerned
Dewuan .
@FryedOreo · 4:55
And I realized, looking back, in hindsight, I kind of maybe jumped the gun in terms of making it a committed relationship, whereas it really kind of felt more casual. And I have had moments in my life of not casual dating, let's say like this. Back then, I dated with the potential to be in union with someone. So the story I had brought up of the lady who I thought we could be a relationship, and I proposed to her the idea and she said no
But the only thing that sucks about putting all your energy into one person is that, well, what if it doesn't work out and it takes more energy to try to get back into that. Females, man, they do it all the time. We got to take from their playbook, bro. We got to take from their playbook. When you're getting to know a female, she's not just talking to you. She got ten of the guys she's talking to
Dewuan .
@FryedOreo · 4:01
I do find it to be intriguing, though, just getting to know different people and stuff like that. I think ultimately, this was like a thought experiment. I would consider myself a one woman guy. I don't think I need to have multiple women to feel satisfied, but I just think the process for me is a bit slower. We're doing a deeper background check
Arya Sunyata
@theheartdrive · 5:00
I think I went on three dates in my life. And the reason is I will offer you a counter framework. Dating is a very American thing. The rest of the world doesn't date. It's just social structures are very different. So there are many kinds of social structures, but in Latin cultures where I live now and I have grown up primarily or even I'm half Asian Indian and half Italian cultures are very social and Latin culture in particular is very family oriented
Dewuan .
@FryedOreo · 4:03
And me being an American, and on apps like these, typically that are dominated by Americans, you can sort of think you don't even think that something you go through is the same for everyone. There is something very salesman like when it does come to dating for the Americans
Arya Sunyata
@theheartdrive · 5:00
But it also happens in a way that is inferential in some ways if you want to just like step for a second outside of Western psychology. But there's this interesting mix of inner manifestations, outer projections and the interplay and people feel they have this very deep bond. But once that is exposed to a social environment, something happens. And this paper I think you will enjoy it really kind of goes into this how love can only be in some ways a knowledge system as long as it's secret
Dewuan .
@FryedOreo · 3:43
It's romanticized and idealized versus the reality of love and what it can mean symbolically as well as culturally to other aspects of life outside of America. And when we get into this idea of finding the one of your life to spend with and then marrying that person and being with that person till death do you part, it's a very interesting concept and you pointed that out and like, the idea of Western marriage was more akin to Eastern ideas of marriage
Arya Sunyata
@theheartdrive · 5:00
The dating experience wasn't awesome, but I mean, I don't have anything against a range accords where both people are willing and content to be within them. But I do feel it's kind of atrocious that people suffer because they somehow can't achieve some fictionalized ideal of romance. I think it's kind of a horrific marketing scheme that makes many victims of many people and creates a plethora of industries that honestly create what I call profitable misery
Dewuan .
@FryedOreo · 4:50
In a sense, when a person gets married and they have someone on the side, I find at times interesting that it can sometimes be a relief for the person who's married to their spouse that someone else is taken off the load. It seems familiar in a way. It seems familiar as in before imperialism and colonization, love was different from culture to culture and it wasn't as idealized and fixated upon. It probably was something more
Arya Sunyata
@theheartdrive · 4:58
Now, some people have more specific profiles than other and I don't mean to sound callous and cold, but really it's kind of curious how when somebody is dating they're actually trying to get that process to kickstart because there's a dopamine factor. But then it's getting mixed up with this whole social script of having to unite. I don't know
Arya Sunyata
@theheartdrive · 3:19
And then soon after marilyn Monroe with Diamonds are a girl's best friend. The association of Diamonds and the Elite of society. All of this plays into these social scripts that have been carefully designed in terms of what makes what worth within a dating scheme at a social structure level. So, anyway, I just wanted to add that point on because it just occurred to me and this diamond ring thing completely changed the way the entire subsequent generations of people in the US. Then viewed the institution of marriage
Dewuan .
@FryedOreo · 4:39
And perhaps there's a culture now that thrives on a new romance, the romance of hating those who are in a romantic relationship. But yes, I think I am seeking experiences. And from those experiences, perhaps one can emerge. But am I doomed to always repeat the script that was laid before me before most of Western civilization? Maybe so, but there's always a chance to change things for the better
Arya Sunyata
@theheartdrive · 4:50
So coming full circle on the casual dating piece, how do you manage to achieve the authentic need that you have for honest interaction to gain those experiences? When you are coming across all of those profiles of people who mostly just just either looking for therapy or a caretaker or maybe just have no real understanding of what relationship constitutes in terms of give and take. I see that a lot. How do you navigate casual dating in a framework that seems built to be dishonest? It's like hawking your goods
Dewuan .
@FryedOreo · 4:58
In fact, I am the type they consider to be playing games, ain't about nothing on bullshit. And I can totally understand that, especially when I usually would put my dating what I'm looking for. I would usually have it be like long term or something along those lines
Dewuan .
@FryedOreo · 4:44
Quite honestly, I'm getting to know women that I'm attracted to, and from that we see where it goes. And there is pressure for a man to know exactly what he wants, so the woman does not waste her time. But I don't think love works that way. Curiosity doesn't work that way, and we try to put standards on it. But I think a bit of my inner child comes out when I'm getting to know people
Arya Sunyata
@theheartdrive · 4:45
So it feels very awkward to deal with constant expectation when it comes to human interaction, at least for me. I don't know if for other people I can't imagine. It feels totally comfortable. And I really don't like it when I'm having a nice interaction with somebody and all of a sudden they're lobbying these conditions at me and I'm like, dude, I haven't even decided if I like you that way
Arya Sunyata
@theheartdrive · 5:00
So it's like you raise a really interesting point of attraction without expectation. Like, you're dating these people and you're like, okay, I'm just going to see where it goes. I think that's pretty cool. It's a great attitude because you'll get the most organic the most organic flow and development in a connection by just letting it be whatever it needs to be, because we've all got different dispositions, and chemistry is completely unique between people
Dewuan .
@FryedOreo · 4:47
It's more of an instance in which you can get chastised for that more than anything else. But in terms of love being this informational, well, that requires a certain level of intimacy. It's interesting how you can feel that from someone even when you aren't necessarily in an O limb game. You got to go get the yeah, but yeah, it's interesting how you can get that experience from someone even though you're in a crowd amongst people